On Independence
INDEPENDENCE | 7.4.22
On the way home from an event this past Friday, I thought about the holiday weekend and decided I wanted to explore a theme of independence in relationships today…
Some of you are interested in forming relationships, some of you are in them, but, how often do you consider your relationship with yourself?
I once had a lover say to me,
“You are your own best person.”
I’ve never forgotten that. To me, it’s akin to the “put the oxygen mask on yourself first” idea. All too often, we get enmeshed with our partnerships and forget ourselves. We can also – even if we are “single” – get caught up in the day-to-day and forget ourselves too.
In a world where it’s so easy to forget our own needs, what can we do to continue to ensure we make our own choices and live the life we truly want to live?
Drop into your body.
Check-in.
Make your decisions at a gut level.
This practice of always coming back to your body when it’s time to decide something is so vital. I’ve talked about this before in a number of contexts… Both in my classes and on my podcast, I’ve talked about embodied consent and making your intimate choices from the body, and how that leads to less regret in our sexual encounters.
I like to challenge my students and clients to begin making some “small” choices in this way… What does my pussy want for dinner? Tacos or an enchilada? Seems silly, but beginning to tune into our bodies in these small ways, prepares our brains and bodies for making larger decisions from the body, too. Give it a try!
Email me: Tell me about a “small” choice you asked your body about. Where did you listen from? How did you “feel into” your answer? I want to hear from you!
There are ways to be whole in relationship, to meet one’s partner as an equal or a complimentary energy, and not give over our personal power in a sexual or romantic dynamic. Some ways of orienting ourselves to relationships that support personal autonomy include being solo polyamourous, embracing relationship anarchy, and/or being self-collared.
If you’ve never heard of these ideas, here’s a bit about what they mean, from my perspective:
Solo-Polyamory: the practice of (potentially) maintaining multiple intimate relationships, while also keeping the freedom and autonomy of single life. Practicing polyamory without hierarchical structure. Generally not engaging in relationships which involve the merging of life infrastructure (the traditional “relationship escalator”).
Relationship Anarchy: an approach to relationships that rejects rules and expectations, other than those of the involved parties. Choosing to be guided by your highest values, rather than social norms. Forming relationships based on your needs, wants, and desires. Placing the highest value on freedom, communication & non-hierarchy in your relationships.
Self-Collaring: choosing to wear a collar (as a submissive in a D/s relationship might) as a reminder that one is one’s own owner. Outward-facing acknowledgement that you are the only one in charge of your own body and mind. A reminder that you love and protect yourself.
Email me: Do you practice any of the above ways of promoting personal autonomy? What other ways of living do you practice that support your autonomy? I’d love to hear your thoughts!
Whether you practice any of these styles of living, or others that support increased autonomy, I’d invite you to spend part of your day today considering how you assert your independence, individuality, and autonomy.
The more we all practice being our most authentic selves, honoring ourselves, our choices, and our needs, the closer we can get to living the life we truly want to live. Emitting our truest frequency will bring what we truly, deeply desire into our lives… and it’s simply the easiest way to be in the end.
