On Labor
LABOR DAY | 9.5.22
In considering today’s holiday, I thought I’d focus on the idea of “labor” as it relates to relationships…
When a woman is giving birth, she is “in labor.” In this case, “labor” means work, hard work. We talk about a “labor of love,” but what does that mean? It means a task done for pleasure, not reward.
What labor would you do for your lover? What tasks do you do for pleasure, rather than reward? How does your labor please your partner? Could a labor of love be something done for the pleasure of one’s partner? Something that makes their face light up? Is that not a reward? A pleasure in itself?
We all know that Meatloaf song…
“I would do anything for love
Anything you've been dreaming of
but I just won't do that.”
“But I just won’t do that.” Those are your boundaries. Boundaries separate your physical space, your feelings, needs, and responsibilities from others. Boundaries are important.
Do you find yourself “giving” of yourself past your boundaries? What does that feel like? Is it painful? Is it necessary?
Contemplating the idea of “labor” in romantic relationships, I’m intrigued by the middle ground…
The place where you give for your partner’s pleasure, but not so far that you’ve crossed any of your own boundaries – the sweet spot of giving.
What gifts do you deliberately choose to give your loved ones?
I’m sure most of you have become familiar with the “Five Love Languages.” They are Time, Touch, Words of Affirmation, Gifts, Acts of Service. (These have become somewhat controversial because they were developed by a religious white man, but I still find the categories useful.) If you haven’t gone to Gary Chapman’s site and done the little quiz, you might want to. And have your partner do it, too.
Knowing what you desire from your loved one, and knowing what your loved one desires from you is helpful in getting everyone’s needs met. Sometimes there are ways that you’re inclined to give that your partner is not.
For example, I usually bring back a small gift for one of my partners when I travel. He doesn’t do this for me. I learned this from my family and it’s one of my ways of expressing love, but it’s not his way. It’s also not how I necessarily want to receive love. (Receiving Gifts is only 13% on my quiz.) So, it’s A-OK that he doesn’t bring me little gifts.
I once had a partner that was fantastic at Acts of Service. But, guess what, that’s my “lowest” love language (only 3%!). My highest is Touch (40%). That past partner would have done well to give me more touch, and perhaps laid off on the Acts of Service.
Our relationships can become more fulfilling if we look at what we like to give and what we would like to receive. So, look at your partner’s Love Languages. What is highest? Look at the top two or three. Think about how you meet those needs for your partner.
Chances are their top love languages aren’t the same as yours. This gives us the opportunity to consider doing for them in a new way. What can you do that’s simple, but fulfills their needs? Can you put a reminder in your calendar to do it? Can you simply bring their needs to mind more often and take care of them in a way that works for them?
Try giving your partner an unexpected gift today… spend some quality time with them, give them a hug, pick up their favorite drink from Starbucks, tell them something you appreciate about them. Choose a small thing that meets their needs. Something you might not otherwise think to do regularly.
Notice their response. Did you receive pleasure too? Did you delight in their delight?
What giving do you do that’s unnatural for you? You have to think about it, bring it to mind, in order to remember to do it for them, but it’s also something that’s not painful for you to do.
That. That’s a “labor of love.”
