Do You Train for Intimacy?

Self-Pleasure | 8.15.22

If you’re a human who wants to achieve the sex life of your dreams, you have to train for it.

Sure, an athlete can improve by simply engaging in competition, but some of the most important training actually happens in practice sessions. The same goes for sex. Yes, I’m talking about masturbating. (Ewwww!)

[And let’s look at that word. I mean, it just sounds awful, right? It sounds like something sad that we shouldn’t be talking about and certainly not doing. So, I’m going to stop using that word RIGHT NOW. I’m saying “self-pleasure” or “self-care” or “self-love.” You’ll not hear that m-word from me going forward.] 

So, what does your self-pleasure time look like? Do you do it often? What’s your motivation? Have you ever taken yourself on an intimate date… as a lover of yourself? 

What would it be like if you…

Set an intention? Claimed the space and time for your dalliance? Locked the door?

Created a beautiful, soft location? Dimmed the lights? Wore something special? Put some essential oils in the diffuser?

Lovingly laid out all of the toys and tools you may want to use? Selected the music with care? Took yourself out to dinner first? 

Imagine if you did ALL of that? What would that be like?

It could… elevate your personal intimate experience… improve your self-love… give you better orgasms. It would provide you the time, patience, and practice with yourself that you would give to a lover. And more. 

Now, does every round of self-pleasure need to look like a hot date or a sacred rite? Nope. Or all of them can look like that. Or none of them need to. That’s up to you. The point is to take care of yourself the way you would a treasured lover. AND get to know your own body. 

Already knowing what you like is an advantage. It gives you perspective and increased agency. If you’re knowledgeable about what gets your rocks off, you have the ability to share that with your lover. If you know, you feel more confident to share. And that’s hot. If you care for yourself, you feel more empowered to share. And that’s hot, too! 

I also want you to consider how you can bring “play” into your own personal self-lovemaking. Perhaps you want to do a self-tie before you get down to business. Perhaps you want to plan a date for one. Perhaps you want to do a little role-play with yourself. Maybe you want to put on the fluffy robe first. Maybe you want to do it infront of a window. Well, that’s all up to you. How do you want to play today? Ask yourself. 

Part of the purpose of self-pleasure is simply pleasure. It’s also care and keeping of your body. It’s also building a relationship with yourself. It’s also practice for when you’re with a lover. Use this time to find your edge. 

Finding your edge might be literally, edging – learning to prolong your experience prior to orgasm. But it might be finding out how your g-spot feels, or doing a little anal training. It’s trying out new strokes or angles. It’s seeing how you can move energy through your body. It’s trying a specific breathing technique. I give my clients all sorts of “homework” and it can be any of these things and more! Give yourself some homework. Take the time to train sexually. 

Try this Activity: The next time you self-pleasure, consider your intention. Are you trying to have a quick orgasam to get rid of a headache? Or are you taking time to love on your body? Or are you looking to blow your own mind? Maybe you’re planning to work on edging? It doesn’t matter what your intention IS so much is that you have one. Think about what you want to get out of your next get-off session before you begin. 

Take this Action: Take yourself on a sex date. Plan your space, your time, your intention. Choose your toys. Make a cozy spot on the couch or bed. Put on music. If you like, write a story or journal entry about it in advance (or afterwards). This sex date can look any way you want to. The point is to put some intentionality into your self pleasure, and to make this particular session about caring for yourself the same way you’d want a lover to care for you. (Or the way you’d want to care for your lover.) 

A few other training ideas…

Sign up for Meditation for Better Sex Class!

Take your lover on a Couples Tantra Retreat,

Learn a “new trick” from the Quickies Podcast,

Do the Stamina 101 Edging Challenge.

I look forward to hearing about how you elevated your self-pleasure this week!